Previous Lecture Complete and continue  

  Why I Created this Course

I’m glad you've made an investment in your most precious resource: you.

Those who have navigated the choppy waters of going No Contact understand the huge benefit of investing in themselves. And make no mistake, this course is an investment that can be returned many times over.

Welcome! If we haven't already met, I'm Kim and I'm the founder of The New Life Academy and Healing Collective.

Whether you are in the process of accepting the need for No Contact, implementing No Contact,or maintaining No Contact, the purpose of this course is to help you avoid the common pitfalls I hear from clients in my coaching practice.

In fact, I was inspired to create this course because nearly all of my clients and followers (and myself, back in the day) struggle with the same doubts and frustrations, make the same common mistakes- and, in the process -delay their healing for months or years. Imagine how life would be if you didn't have to waste another day in your toxic relationship!

In this course, I'm going to show you how to get prepared for No Contact so that you can implement it as successfully as possible. The layout is designed to help you understand why you've stayed in a toxic relationship, why you feel hopeless, needy, and worried all the time, and prepare you mentally so you can make the decision to go No Contact when you are ready or to maintain No Contact if you've already implemented it. Also included are answers to the most common questions surrounding No Contact, a section on healing basics, and exercises and mindfulness activities to help you deal with the urge to make contact.

Give yourself time to listen to each module, practice the exercises, do the worksheets, and experiment with the healing methods suggested in this course rather than trying to get everything done as quickly as possible, which will only leave you feeling frustrated.

**Make sure you print out the worksheets, workbooks, affirmations, and anything that is downloadable in paper form. Creating a binder for these handouts allows you to go back and reflect upon your journey and helps you make any changes that need to be made. Doing so also helps prime you for journaling in the event you haven't yet begun this healing activity.

When you've completed this course, you'll have all the tools you need to get started with your No Contact plan and begin experimenting with healing methods so you can get on with the business of LIVING again. The tools included in this course are ones you can continue using well beyond completion as you progress into your recovery.

I am excited at the prospect of having you join the 'Survivor Tribe'. And make no mistake...Life Begins after No Contact! At the end of this section (third page) is an affirmative writing exercise to help you begin this mission with your final end in mind. Keep your future vision of happiness and health in the foremost of your thoughts throughout your No Contact pilgrimage.

You will need a PDF reader on your computer, like Adobe Acrobat Reader, in order to download the worksheets. If you don’t have it, you can get a free copy here.

In the comments below, feel free to share with me and others in the course: What inspired you to finally make the decision to go No Contact?

81 comments
Karena
I think No Contact is the only hope I have now of saving myself from this grief and reclaiming my life.
Judy Hippensteel
Almost 5 years cannot count the break ups and the pain of being discarded. My life was going in circles and the abuse was getting out of control and scary. I'm out I discarded him and I no contact him. I realize the trama bonding the degrading the mental abuse is making it hard but I can never go back. Next time he will destroy me. Breaking away is the only option and deprogramming myself is a key
Margarita Perez
It's not an easy task to let go. There's not one day that I get up and my mind is not filled with conflicted thoughts of my husband . Many times I question not ability to stay on track
Angela
After finally being released from my ex-husband emotionally and legally, I realized it was time for me to live my peaceful life. I am now in a position to show my 2 boys how to live in a peaceful, not chaotic manner. I want them to understand stability. I want them to know that they have a strong and reliable mom. I have my moments of feeling defeated, but I want a stable life. I want to be able to trust people again. I finally established with my ex is that he is only allowed to email me when necessary. He can speak to my boys directly. I am 42 and I've been with him off and on since we were 14, we were married for 20 of those years. It's finally over. He left us a 2nd time as a family, which was painful because of the way it was done. The way he cut my boys off to get to me. I am just ready to live, I don't feel like I ever really lived. But, I'm ready to start.
Kim Saeed
Hi Angela!

It sounds like you have a great plan for a fulfilling life. I also left in order to show my children stability and that love does NOT involve pain and betrayal. My relationship with them is better than ever. Had some serious making up to do after not being present with them for so long...

Wishing you all the best :)

Kim
Angela
Hi Kim,

I also feel like I wasn't present with them. It's a little scary when I think about it, but they have their mom now.

Thank you for your blog posts. You provide the best help ever for understanding and moving on. Thank You!
Melinda
I'm dying inside and it's too hard to feel this way all the time.
Kim Saeed
I can relate, Melinda. What I learned in my own journey is that we hurt when we stay and we hurt when we leave. Better to receive benefit from the pain of leaving and eventually heal than to stay in a painful relationship forever.

Kim
XoXo
Linda
It's too much to continue this way
Kim Saeed
I feel you, Linda. It's not easy at all...and precisely why going No Contact is so hard to pull off.

Kim
XoXo
Caroline Correa
I've been trying to go No Contact for the whole past month, although he keeps creating new accounts (emails, twitter, SOUNDCLOUD??) and finding ways to reach out to me. I've done just about everything short of changing my email address (such a pain) and phone number. Every day I have this eerie feeling in the pit of my stomach dreading if he is going to find some way to contact me, and whether it will be hoovering or some kind of verbal assault. I just need help.
Kim Saeed
Hi Caroline,

What you've described is, unfortunately, something that many of us have endured. I wish I had better news, but it's probably going to be necessary to change your email address and phone number. I've had to do both, although I use them for work. It was a little inconvenient, but all-in-all, it took less than a day to transfer my emails to a new account. The freedom I got in exchange for the one-time inconvenience was beyond worth it!

Cheers,

Kim
Marlene Ebio-Toomey
Anxious to start rebuilding myself after considerable period of fear of prospect of being on my own and yet ended up being abandoned.
Kim Saeed
Hi Marlene!

It's definitely scary when you are faced with the prospect of being on your own. That's typically because most of us have an insecure attachment style - and most likely heard comments from a toxic partner that we could never make it without them.

Well, it's not easy in the beginning, but you'll be amazed at how simple acts like drinking your morning coffee in your living room without the danger of being mentally abused out of nowhere can help you find courage and hope to keep moving forward.

Hugs,

Kim
Lisa Wood
I am so tired of being miserable. Life alone is so much more rewarding than life with my narc! I just began no contact this week and I want to maintain it for eternity!
Deborah
Life is too short and precious to continue living an illusion. The mental stress is akin to someone slicing into your skullcap, flipping it over and playing with your brain as though it were play dough, laughing all the while because they are one up on you. After several years it got physical last week, I realized there is no real love in this relationship, It's not supposed to be damaging and the longer I put off leaving the more I will become an enabler of this very bad behavior. I want no part in that! Pray for me please!!! I am having a hard time thinking clearly.
Judy Worger
I have lived all my life with a narcissist in it, my sister. My marriage of 36 years broke up and I began looking on dating sites. Only to find that there are very many strange men on them. Just when I was about to cancel, one said to me that I have sad eyes. Having been sexually abused in my childhood, raped in my teens and then gang raped at the age of 42, sure I had sad eyes. And in walked Romeo. So loving, kind affectionate. Made my lunches to take to work with a little loving note inside. Sent me flowers. Had a wall plaque made declaring his love for me. I am an empath and have depression. He saw me coming mile away. His next victim. He has had so many broken relationships many who know him take bets on how long each will last. He lies. He transferred his bad behaviour to me. He is a single dad with full time custody of his 12 year old son. I landed up being this kids mother. My ex insisted on me being involved in the discipline and setting of boundaries as "he respected my experience" as I have 2 wonderful adult children. What I didn't know about was he and his son were having quiet little talks undermining me all the time. He was desperate for me to separate my financial affairs from my husband's. And even more desperate for me to stop considering my husband a friend. All his break-ups ended in total animosity and he could not comprehend how 2 people could still like each other but not want to be in a relationship. At 58 my financial security rests with my husband still doing the right thing by me. When I fell in love with my narcissist he knew the score. But he used it against me all the time. Niggling away at me over any contact I had with any other male, even mates from years ago living overseas. Picking fights and then not talking to me. So from being my soul mate he became my persecutor. My depression started worsening and my contact with him triggered PTSD from my earlier events. The day I went into the psych hospital he moved out and the next day was adding single females who had been contacts on dating sites or lovers. This was while telling me that he was in love with me and we were still together. He was also telling my family the same. I know I am better off without him. But I lost myself. Obviously, having attempted suicide due to this person I am on meds and seeing a psychologist. But I still morn the loss of the love I thought we had. He constantly told me that I was the love of his life and he felt a deeper love than he had ever had with any other woman. And now I really don't know where to go. I do everything that I'm told to do by the psychs but honestly it doesn't help in the night when I am missing the cuddles and loving. I know that it was all intended to hook me in. He has been bankrupt 3 times and I am relatively financially secure. And that was what he was after. He asked me to marry him within months of our meeting. When he realised that he wasn't going to get his hands on my money and then was also going to need to support me through depression I was no longer of any use to him. I know it sounds dramatic, but I would like to take a shotgun and blow my brains out all over his face. Yeah. Tragic. But that is the phase I am in at the moment.
Meribeth
I lost my life, my teaching job, and my dignity. I have been in and out of this for almost four years. He is vey high official here in a small time. I have tried therapy, church, psychiatrists, and have been hospitalized. He will Hoover me back. The discards are brutal and come without warning. He has ruined every birthday and Christmas for nearly four years. I blocked him today. When I try to leave he will not talk to me for months and during this time will torture me by asking my friends out or by contacting them. He is cruel and loves to diminish me. He's so jealous that I feel i can move. My girls are suffering because i spend a lot of time crying and in bed. I finally found another teaching job but I'm slipping again. After three months i returned and he was so good. He wined and dined me, helped me with my car, and was so kind. Slowly, the subtle put downs began. He goes out constantly. I hope this is a private sight. I'm scared right now. Not physically, mentally. Yes, I blocked him. I took a job over an hour away. I no longer shop here. I cannot move because of my girls. I have been suicidal. He will just discard me out of the blue only to return. He is also entangled with his ex wife and she even stays over when he says it's for the kids. They still take beach trips and I actually believed it was for the kids. My entire life is in shambles. I can't seem to go through the withdrawal. Today, I talked to him and said no more. He said, "yeah ok we can give it some time" i said look no time. It's over. It's like he didn't even care. It's almost like he didn't hear me. I'm a smart person. I just can't seem to break the cycle of not returning. A lot of people told me they see him out with other women. I have also questioned if he is bisexual. I feel so down. I am lost.
Liz
Hi,
I'm a teacher also and we are very caring empaths; A narcissist's candy of choice. I went through the cycle and one colleague who went through the whole thing herself told me to document each incident because a pattern tends to happen when these folks come back/go nuts.
Think of it as a lesson plan; It'll surely help you stay focused on you and your kids
Liz
My husband's abuse began within a month after we married when he threw a phone at me. At first, the excuses, deflections and lack of acknowledgement would make me doubt myself. I began to turn to his family members to see if there was a life jacket they could throw me, but pretty soon I got caught in the title wave of a river called DENIAL. As situations got worse, so did the physical violence. I couldn't question, or opinionate. I was surprised to find myself in the middle of an argument which outside parties now feel was premeditated by him, and for the 3rd time in my 18 month marriage the violence escalated so badly I wound up on the floor with a facial contusion. I found myself with a gym bag in a hotel room to discover our marital funds were depleted and for months I was the only person contributing to the joint bank account-hence paying for all bills including gas for his car mortgage, insurance and all our dates without my knowledge. This is why he'd put on a show when I'd ask about our finances. I feel like an idiot. I stayed at a shelter for a little bit with .73 cents to my name.
Iyana Leach
I found out I was pregnant and told my then partner. He gave me a cold gaze and suggested I have an abortion and told me he does not want it. This after a on and off again three year relationship. He then picked up on December 21, 2016 left and never came back. I tried to call him he would answer and hang up. I felt pathetic I begged and cried. But the entire time he treated me like a slave. I gave him my money, trust, love and devotion he called me week and said I deserve to be taken advantage of. I am a certified life coach, and feel ashamed that I allowed this for so long. Here I am pregnant with a second child and alone. I have no idea how to heal from this. I pray I meditate they help some. But I can't figure out why he stopped talking to me or why I care besides the fact I am carrying his child. I know I am strong I just need support.
Tamaran Crane
What finalized my choice was the realization that every time I had contact bad things happened. I sought discernment because these people (plural) are Not Xs but family. For my own safety growth victory I need to go no contact. I left then in God's hands I may or may not contact them I the future but at this point my own health and victory is imperative. Let God work them out. I need to focus on what He has for me and him (God). Thank you
Victoria Santiago
Looking forward to going through this material and figuring out ways to set strong boundaries with my Ex without feeling so damn guilty all the time.
Laurea Rolfson
I am so excited to do this course! I was married for 30 years so obviously very deep in the cycle of abuse. I kept hanging on because of hope, guilt, fear etc etc. He is very convincing when he is in the love bombing part of the cycle. I finally started opening up to a few people I trusted and found support that that I needed - I was just always too afraid to take that first step. I've been out for 4 weeks now and it has been the best - I feel so much peace - it's amazing! I need this course though because he is trying and saying everything to get me back and I need to remain strong so I don't get sucked back in again! Thank you for this support!
Sharon Burton
It will be 4 years of in and out with my narc. He is dating someone he treats well (trips Christmas NYE but says he's not in love) and we are once again heading toward a situationship. She is the first woman he ever posted on FB. It made me depressed over the holidays. I have been to therapy but she really doesn't address how I need to let him go but keeps saying I need to. I need help.
Diane Trent
We were discussing how something he had promised wasn't going to happen and were interrupted by a phone call to him from a woman.
Bonnie Jean Fernandez
I actually went NC almost 5 months ago from my third Cluster B/Narc relationship since my divorce from one 7 yrs ago. I wasn't certain if this course would apply to me since I've already been NC, but I'm desperate to find a program/process to heal once and for all and stop getting involved with these disordered individuals.
Kim Saeed
Hi Bonnie,

Thank you for sharing. It definitely applies to your situation because it will help you maintain No Contact from your last partner, but it will also help you begin healing on an emotional level, helping you create boundaries so that other people can no longer take advantage of you - whether in romantic relationships or otherwise. Once you become your own best friend and advocate, you will never let other people steal away your self-worth.

Hugs,

Kim
XoXo
Sian Jones
Finally realising that the narc really didn't care a damn about me. I became quite unwell and he wasn't bother. Played down my illness. A person with no compassion is the ugliest thing in the world.
Plus I felt I was always asking him why he didn't ring me back or text me back. I thought if he loved me enough he would do it anyway.
I also felt very uneasy around him. Anxious stressed and drained.
I can honestly say I have never come across such a nasty vile creature in my whole life.
And I'm annoyed that I kept going back time and time and time again. Every time I went back I sat next to him and thought why don't I keep remembering how awful I feel around him and in his company.
He has brainwashed me so much to make me think that no-one else will ever want me. Even though I've had a few offers
Kim Saeed
Hi Sian,

Yes, it's definitely frustrating and heart-breaking when we keep going back, only to realize they have no true intentions of being a better partner, or even a better friend. I know what you mean because I was with my Ex for over eight years...eight years of expecting him to change. He never did.

I am going to be adding some new content to the course in regards to "self-sabotaging" behaviors. Any time we give in to the urge to break No Contact, we do it because we want to believe their lies, but in the end, once we look objectively at the history of the relationship, we have absolutely no proof that they will change, only that they will keep fooling us.

We must go with their actions and not their words. In your case, that he is not calling is a sign that he is triggering your insecure attachment, making you feel needy. It's all very intentional. So, when we keep going back, it's essentially self-sabotage because we are reacting from our emotions instead of making choices based on facts. (No judgement here, I did the same thing for eight years).

Your healing habit action plan is to not break No Contact. Tell yourself over and over that this year is going to be your best one yet. Let all negative things in your life go so you can begin your healing once and for all...and go back under the 'Healing Basics' section in the course and do the third video under Melanie's module, and do the one by Jeff - Shifting the Inner Landscape. In fact, it might help you to contact Jeff because he does one-on-one energy healings.

Kim
XoXo
Shari Ganyo
After 16 years, yes....16!!! I NEED to do this to for ME. I'm not happy (understatement), I've lost who I am, who I can be and have zero self confidence. The years of lies, silent treatment, emotional/verbal abuse, infidelity, etc....have worn me down & I'm typically a strong person! I continue to come back, continue to hope for change, against everything I know to be practical & true. Desperately seeking help to make the final move, regain MY sanity & life. Thank you for this program!
Kim Saeed
Hi Shari! Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us! We are excited to have you in our healing community and I have no doubt that if you stick around for support and do the exercises and healing suggestions in the course, you will definitely be on the way to healing and a better life. It may take a little while, but as long as you make the commitment to incorporate new healing habits into your daily routine, you have the potential to be happier than you've ever been in your life!

Hugs,

Kim
XoXo
Jacqueline Cortez
I realized he will not change and I realized I dont want to live with someone who has no respect for me. I want to heal and be able to live in peace and find myself.
Rebeca Soria
I actually dont know how i decided to leave my partner. We had a fight one night and the day after i woke up, and i knew i didnt want to be with him anymore. It wasnt when i told him i had depression and i had a suicide attempt recently, and he proceeded to tell me about his depression. It wasnt when i was crying on the phone to him, cos i was lonely and i wanted him to come home. He decided not to come back home that night. Not when i realised he kept lying to me, and he didnt respect me at all. I spent 3 months silent, didnt tell him anything about what was going on in my life, and he didnt even noticed. That night he said i was never going to leave him, cos i was useless and i had nowhere to go all by myself. It made me so angry! Im broke beyond description cos he kept taking and taking. He could do whatever he wanted, but when bills came up, he had no money. He was always the poor little victim. He likes to say "everybody is out to get me". Idiot! Rent, electricity, his rego, his insurance, his materials for work, i paid everything. And he doesnt even remember! He paid for McDonalds a couple of times, and he reminded me for months!!!
I want to hate him so much!
I left, but im still paying his rent. I dont even know how the hell i ended up paying his rent! I am struggling with money and everytime i make the decition of cutting ties, he tells me another lame storie of his, and boom! I give him more money. I dont know how to stop it.
Preet
I went to Hospital for panic attack and decided, this man isn't worth the loyalty and me. He needs to be kicked out. It was long 12 years. I met the psycho at age 14 and my most prime time of youth went to the creep. I hope to heal asap and move on to better life. I am unable to work right now because the abuse. May Lord help me heal! Amen
Tjeerd Wichers
I decided to go No Contact after I found out that my girlfriend was cheating on me, for which I gathered evidence by putting a sound recording iPad under her sofa in her house, while I was not there during one week (which I am not proud of but it gave me brutal evidence that she slept with 4 guys in one week: enough to take my decision, and she her finally for what she really is. I did not not disclose my source or evidence, I just left one month ago.

Since then No Contact, but I feel stuck, numb and really want to move on.

I have been together with her for more than 4 years on and off during a period of 6 years.
When we met, I was going through a divorce, and feeling insecure and vulnerable. She was listening and caring and fun. And very attractive. More than 10 years years younger than me, and full of energy and passion. Totally different than my ex wide, who was not narcissistic by the way.

She introduced me to her parents etc within a week, and everything went really really fast. This felt like paradise, I felt so lucky have found her.
After three months it became clear that several ex-boyfriends were still in the picture. She also had more male friends than female friends.

She really was a daddy's girl or princess: only child, always received everything she wanted and more. A sense of entitlement.
And she was very attractive and sexy. Really feminine, and 11 years younger than me (I am 44 years old, from Amsterdam).
She did not have long term plans, works at the clothing store of her parents, and takes life day by day. Which suited me well after my divorce: I just wanted to have fun.
But then the hot/cold started, and the lying (about literally everything, even if it was not even relevant or necessary to lie she would still do it, in hindsight to create chaos and smoke and mirrors).
She was like a chameleon: she was wearing what I liked, like her perfume, shoes, makeup everything.
On the iPad recordings, you could hear how she was seducing her new date (a cosmetic surgeon from Germany) on Monday, me on Tuesday (I was not aware yet of what was about the be disclosed after listening to the iPad next week), a Sales guy from Versace who bought her clothes at 80% discount on Thursday, and her ex boyfriend of 21 years older on Friday. In each conversation, her tone of voice, speech, stories and even accents are different. Things that she despises with me, she loved in another conversation. I really was speechless to listen to this.

Now I finally know that she was playing a game and was acting, pretending. She never even loved me, she doesn't even know what that is.
She is spoilt, egocentric, entitled, no impulse control, no remorse. She feels jealous of others, and has created this sexy, seductive image of herself: ultra feminine with high heels, long nails, fake boobs, long blond hair etc, even though in her upper-middle social class that is not really the norm.

I attempted No Contact for the first time in 2011, then in 2013, then end of 2015 (after 2 years of not seeing her I received a Facebook Message and I fell for her again, hoping that after 2 years she finally grew up) and then mid 2016 and now end of 2016.
I really would like to perservere now and heal my childhood wounds which have led me to like these kind of abusive women.
My mother used to be alcoholic and although she was not mean, she was self centered and unpredictable in her moods and responses.
Lauren
I went back for the 100th time, I asked one thing of him: that he change his phone number because we had been on and off and had trust issues already. A couple nights later he still had not changed number he had 85 messages from an ex and his other ex girlfriend is driving by the house. A light bulb went off, he's a fake he just wants to feel wanted by woman, he would throw away a chance at true love for it but he acts as if everything is my fault, that I left for no reason. Im tired of the bullshit, I know my worth, I've always been tough and im flabbergasted im even in this situation. I have a new found respect for what woman in abusive relationships go through, my perspective has changed and I've learned a lot but I just want to be able to be done once and for all. To not care what he says or does what he posts about me or pics he posts of me trying to get ms to contact him. I know this is not love but I need help because I can be easily persuaded by him for some reason I loved the jerk.
Shelby Kitch
I am right there with you...
Shauna Powell
I was with my narcissistic ex-husband for 17 years and felt blessed to be married to him. I bought into all of the deceitful things he said to me and Although I suspected he was cheating on me -whenever I suspected that, he would get angry and say, "when would I have time to cheat?" When he finally decided to replace me with one of his 20yr. Junior mistresses, I was lost. It has been so hard to accept and the worst part is I still want to talk to him and see him. He's been 'hovering' for a year post divorce. He was the love of my life. We were baptized into Christ literally in the same pool of water, my devotion to God makes this even more difficult.I hope this course will help me put those feelings out of my mind and realize my self worth again.
Shelby Kitch
I cannot understand fully, as I was/am not married to the man I am dealing with but I too am devoted to the Lord. I think it is hard to mistake our duty to God and our spouse/partner. Jesus loves you and adores who YOU are. You are precious to him. He wants the best for us - whether that is a man or not. I truly believe God's path is better than anything else. Stay strong. You are worthy!
judith
I have been in a toxic relationship for 7 years .. 2 kids later and i need to not have him in my life anymore.. we are separated but i still allow him to impinge on my day, every day and its so tiring. I have no dounts that if it where not for the kids our contact would no longer be an issue. But having had kids with him helps to complicate that. So i joined this course to see how i can imprive my methods and get free once and for all :)
Karen Sue Houston
I finally woke up after a suicide attempt and realized that it would not have really mattered to him if I lived or died, but it really needed to matter to me, but why didn't it? I needed to gain back my missing self esteem.
Janet Oja
Thank you for this course first of all. I'm also working through Melanie Tonia Evan's material and am grateful there are these forums available to us. They are saving my sanity. My sanity is why I need help to go 'no contact.' I'm tired of feeling nervous, weak, emotional, sentimental, physically shaking and wanting my ex's attention everytime I see him at the hockey rink, which is every weekend, Saturday and Sunday. My kids tell me he's on a dating website. He always shows up dressed to the nines, sneers at me, ignores me and walks away. I want to move beyond caring.
Nancy Peden
Hello Everyone: I have been severely abused/enmeshed with first my mom and then an ex of forty years of marriage; I am 66 now.

Till just recently I highly identified with my mom as everyone else in the family thought she was just an alcoholic; like a fool, I empathized and though I now see, I was enmeshed on severe narcissism. I have empathy for the whole family but I am developing boundaries and self-love. I do not communicate with them and had to threaten one bro with a restraining order when he threatened to get involved in my health care as I am now legally disabled.

I grew up at mom's bedside and as a teen committed her 3 times. Her mother was also institutionalized for "melancholia" in the old days and my beloved sister died in 2014 after 30 years battling cancer.

In 2014, I was, blessedly diagnosed severe mthfrc677t by a great psych who uses food as therapy. As I am homozygous, I know both father and mother had it.

Interestingly/tragically, the men turned out violent and abusive and the women go ill, very ill.

My father was a doctor so I got to watch him beat mom bloody, stitch her up and then go off and play God for patients.

MTHFRc667t, the most sensitive form, causes mental illness, cancer and heart disease and all run through my family. I have had cancer and mental illness. I have been damaged seriously by meds. I bet my doctor dad was bipolar. And all the males are narcs: I simply did not merit much attention in my family though I nearly finished a Ph.D. and was next to my dad, the most highly educated. Yet no one listens to me.

Till just recently, I figured my issues were with my dad but study and the help of a very good EMDR therapist, I am learning that the enmeshment with my mom caused me to be nobody but her doll and care-giver.

She was an artist so I married an artist. She adored him.

I was married to a very subtle narc, like my mom, who seemed to treat me like a queen on some levels but we both sort of sotto voce "knew" he was more valuable than me in the job market and as an artist. Well thanks to some darn good therapists and geneticists, I now know differently. He is a complete liar who owes me 80k along with 100k to IRS and his dad.

After my own low self-esteem put me in a toxic mold historic home he wanted to fix up, the MTHFR came on. Epigenetically we would say it was caused by mold and abuse. Epigenetics is the environment that turns on or off mutations btw.

Though in 2004 I knew little about the genetic damage of mold, I wept when we moved in.

As a degreed botanist, I knew it was not good but I felt my vitamins would make me able to survive. By 2007 I had ovarian cancer, two surgeries, 3 chemos (being an empath and highly sensitive as MTHFRs are, I caught it at stage 1). I allowed myself to be put on many many psychiatric drugs that made me sicker and sicker (antidepressants that I am allergic to led me to try suicide in 2012).

My ex abandoned me 2 years after cancer (2009) and began on his own reducing my legal alimony until last year when he paid nothing and I PAID HIS bills last Christmas! He begrudged me trying to sue the landlords saying I was always looking for a fight.

In 2014 when Obamacare came in I was able to get a good diagnosis and able to on my own get off all psych drugs, on to good genetic treatments and it turns out I now know world famous biochemists and geneticists. GMO vits plus multiple psych drugs cause MORE mutations.

In early 2015 when my NPD landlords found out I was suing them through the state, they threatened me with total ruin in court. My ex and they get along great. He colluded with them to get me out and I lost everything. They claimed no mold; I now know this is not possible and could not even give away some of my beautiful things due to mold smell.

So in total PTSD terror, I self-evicted. My darling gaslighting ex, when I could not find a home in CA, suggested I take "a trip" back East to old friends. I did but they could not handle my needs, dietarily nor were they very sophisticated psychologically. After one month I received a court summons; ex was wanting to stop all support.

By but pure grace I was able to buy a car based on the huge debt he owes me and I was able to connect with a legal angel who helped me go to court via phone. He claimed in 40 years of marriage I did nothing for him; even in my distress, I knew what a blatant lie this was.

My ex lost, but he is now only having to pay 975 per month and I have had to ring that out of him each month. I have gotten more grounded and when I told him I was now losing teeth due to the mold I think he woke up a wee bit but this will continue to be a battle as he truly is a liar and a bum.

Several therapists have told me I am resilient (today's EMDR was a good experience of this) and much more functional than the bum that so enchanted me.

I am finally from my own sheer will-power and grace, housed in a good senior apt in NM, though the apt robbed me blind, making me wait in a motel for four months. I must recover and begin manifesting income, somehow.

I enjoy writing and being alone a lot and even in EMDR today we could see how my introversion and ability to speak and connect with others makes me valuable. I have a blog I want to redevelop and a book in me.

I am not new to all this work and in fact, am highly trained but losing my home, my sancturary has been truly a challenge. I am blessed to have a good therapist and a wonderful Unitarian Universalist Church and all have helped me immensely; I am full of gratitude and pray 2017 may be the year I really reclaim myself. This program is one way.

Best wishes to all. Here is my blog as it now stands: www.livedlearning.net Please send prayers and good thoughts as I do to all. Thanks for reading. NP
Anne Casiere
This may sound kind of "out of order " to you, but I started using essential oils and then I began to "wake up" This was 4 1/2 months ago, since then Ive had a LOT of insights into a lot of things. I realize that I need guidance. Im 62 , and I need to grow so that I can be a positive influence. Ive alsway wanted to help people, but I realize that I need to heal and grow first or else its "the blind leading the blind". Thank you Kim
Laura
I want to go no contact so i can get my life back. I have been spending every waking hour wondering what my soon to be ex husband is doing and why he cant and wont choose me and our daughter. I feel empty inside and can not start healing while he continues to be emotionally abusive. One day he says, he loves me and wants to stay married and the next he pulls the silent treatment. It is absolutely devastating. To make it worse he has a new girlfriend (that he lined up prior to me moving out)
Shauna Powell
I'm amazed how your story mirrors mine. I discovered this website a few days ago and never realized what I was dealing with. It's like being sick for years and finally finding the specialists that diagnosis you correctly.
I too want the hours back I have been spending obsessing over his life with his 20yr younger mistress he left me for.. He's been playing us both for a year.
He might not choose us, he never really did.mbut we must choose ourselves, our children, our future..we are worth it. (I struggle daily to believe this..)
Kim Saeed
I remember those days, Laura...wondering what my Ex was up to and who he was with. Then, I finally realized that it didn't matter. I finally accepted that life with him would always be the same and the only hope I had for a better life was to leave, and so I did. It took a while for me to heal (I didn't know about narcissism or no contact back then), but my life is better than ever...at the age of 45!

Wishing you the best
Kim
Taylor Tewhare
I understand the complexity of no contact, it is indeed a long journey, my inspiration is my will to learn more about such things.
Taylor Tewhare
I am lost
chaya
Im frustrated and tired of investing so much time, energy and money into personal emotional healing from NA only to be crushed and devastated after reading the narc's emails that retrigger me...I refuse to expose myself to his covert abuse and harassment in his email/text communication. Im not sure how its going to work with having seven kids and sharing custody, especially with school arrangements...but Im ready to do it and not look back.
Sarah Faria
I try no contact, but failed on all trials. Now I'm ready to heal and go πŸ’― no contact with the narc!
Candace Hawkins
Finally decided I needed the peace to heal and move on.
Michaelle Van Linden
I've been no contact for 5 months but every once in a while feel the pull of him. Just last week he contacted me through LinkedIn to ask if we could talk. I unlinked him but his contact threw me off and unsettled me.
Paul
He left me for New York, strung me along, kept taking money, demanded more, when I said no, he flew home to try and make me sell the house, all rushed, full tilt pressure...I retained a solicitor. He broke my request for all contact through the solicitor and wouldn't cooperate on arranged, witnessed visits to our home for him to pack more of his stuff. He's flown back to NY, been gone a couple of weeks now...So no contact is established, as I await the fight for the house.
Vanessa Knight
I needed to begin moving forward in this journey of letting go of the crazy. I haven't technically began No contact yet I do the Gray rock trick and try to stay as emotionally disconnected as possible.
Cathy Martin
I was with my narcissistic ex-husband for 36 years and felt lucky to be married to him. All of his criticisms, verbal and physical abuse, humiliating me in front of others and believing all of his lies, completely shredded my self-worth. I had bought into all of the awful things he said and did to me that I never suspected he was cheating on me too - whenever I suspected that, he would get angry and say, "when would I have time to cheat?" When he finally decided to replace me with one of his mistresses, I was lost. It has been so hard to accept and the worst part is I still want to talk to him and see him. I hope this course will help me put those feelings out of my mind forever.
Pria Acharya
I am in the process of starting divorce and still live with him, having been using Gray Rock with limited, as-needed contact as we share a child. I have been divorced from another narcissist, who I have had no contact with for years, and understand the value.
Loree Starkey
Its the only way to get peace again in my life---no contact! I have been free of him one week
and I can FEEL the peace compared to the emotional anxiety when he is somewhat still in my life.
I am taking this course to get the encouragement I need to send an email specifying no more
contacting me. I still feel a thread of connection to him yet I spend many hours a day reading many
books, watching therapy type videos and talking with counsellors and best friends. I KNOW this is
my sign from GOD to make this move and GO NO CONTACT! in order to get my independence and
peaceful life back once again. I have been reading your website for many months and now I want
to get serious and learn HOW to do the No Contact necessary. I tried a year ago but got sucked back
into his false words of love eventhough I had read all about it I let down my red flags and fell for it once
again. This time I must stay with the No Contact.
Kelly Mergens
I want to do it so badly! I've been traumatized and retraumatized on a daily basis, and I finally realized I don't deserve this and that I want a peaceful, loving, spiritual existence; not to be someone's verbal punching bag (or their conscience, police, mother, keeper, secretary, physical object, fall guy, scapegoat, etc., etc, etc!) I'm tired of being used and abused. I want a real life! (I had one once, and lost it, and ended up here).
Donna Matheson
I went no NC in 2015 for 3 months after believing I was dealing with a sex addict & learning that his current affair at that time claimed he assaulted her sexually. I was advised by a marriage counselor to stage a family intervention & to get an order of protection. We were NC for 3 months. The girlfriend recanted her claims & our families weighed heavy on the fact that he was in specialized counseling, getting help & that his counselor felt his 25 years of cheating was "an escape" & not a sex addiction. We have 4 adopted kids with varying special needs; 2 of which missed him terribly. I dropped the order upon recommendation of parenting time & eventually agreed to reconciliation. The man that came back was ten times worse & vengeful. Once back in our home, I picked up on the patterns instantly....same old cycle. I soon after discovered the term narcissism as it was previously suggested by our former marriage counselor. The more I looked into it, the quicker I began to connect the dots. I am convinced that he is a covert psychopath. It took me 8 months & a private investigator to get him out once again. I was able to obtain another order of protection based on investigator findings & some of his current messages (including a attempted suicide video)....the "crazy" had kicked up several notches as he continued to try to gain control that he had lost. I knew too much and once he was back in the house, his mask was off for all to see. He couldn't snow me with his lies & this angered him...I have no doubts that he had every intention to harm me. The day after I was issued the most recent order against him our daughter disclosed that for the 2 months prior to him leaving that he had been molesting her. She said that she didn't tell me because she was afraid that he would hurt me. She said that he seemed different since coming back & she was fearful. It has been reported, I am now in trauma counseling with her. He lawyered up to avoid his interview with detectives & is actually challenging the order in court next week. He's completely delusional & will continue pathologically lying to hold onto what ever shred of a shield that this beautiful family has provided him over the years. I'm convinced that he used the uniqueness of our family to gain attention from many women over the years "such a great, compassionate dad" when in actuality, he couldn't have been more vacant....It's sick! Hindsight is 20/20. I was already cemented in my feelings to remain NC this time around. I have even greater reasons to do so now & I will protect myself & my children (as much as the law will allow anyway) from this toxic excuse of a human being. The more I read & learn about these personality disorders, the more clear the picture becomes. At this point, my goal is to work on myself & to be in a healthy state of mind....to break the cycle of codependency which I believe kept me on the hook for so many years...to become stronger & a better example for my children... and possibly to be a counselor or coach someday myself (long term goal). Thank you for providing such an enlightening course. I look forward to all that I will gain from it.
Vanessa Knight
I saw the course was one I could do online at my own pase and I could also not have to travel anywhere to get the information. I also couldn't buy the book because my "No Contact" time doesn't come until 2017 of October when I will be graduating from Medical assistant school. I was also excited to see I could used the resources I could use for a life time. Excited to begin!!
Ayala
Hello to you Kim and to all! I am a therapist myself and... well, have recently gone no contact with a narcissist! Yes, although I did have a clear intellectual picture and all the signs almost from the beginning of this relation, I fell victim to him for over six months. The pain is even sharper because of my knowledge about the disorder... A strong affinity for this man's apparent (only apparent) high spiritual awareness and involvement as well as his recognition of mine (which I now question of course) was the pit I fell into. Thus I got my portion of thorough abuse. Late in my life I am now facing - if not with shame, at least with great sorrow - my vulnerability and some unhealed wounds that revealed my codependent nature I hoped was taken care of... For sure I do not wish to face it on my own. I preserved myself from major dangers, took necessary steps to cut myself off from the man, but he may still appear plus, more importantly, I badly suffer from the void I am in right now, however necessary. I need healing and for sure prefer to do it with your help. Your blog and you tube 8 things the narcisist doesn't want us to know appealed to me so here I am, willing to clear up the field, to regain my power, self trust and self esteem, all fragilized during the last months and hopefully to be able to live with serenity and in better company soon... I feel as is I fell - of my own responsibility - from my faithfull old good horse I wish to ride again, freely and happily... So thank you in advance for your presence, tools and resources I hope to find here and use to help myself.
Jenora Perkins
I started a codependence anonymous (coda) group in this city about a year ago, thinking I would be strengthened enough by helping others that were going through this. I would faithfully open the meeting each week and couldn't understand why I stayed so sick and unable to let go. In my mind I thought I was different than everyone else and would prove that I could stay in contact with my narc and love him enough to save him. I have not had sex with him in over 4 years, but stayed enmeshed with him emotionally while trying to be friends with his new supply so that everyone would see how loving and forgiving I was. I would become so drained after spending time with him, but write it off every time. I began a sight online and would post so much about narc abuse, and continued to think I was fine. I was working two different 12 step programs. One day I was just over all of the self lies and I said to my higher power that this was never going to end! I was never going to be able to let go! I needed help! I felt that I was going to have to die to stop being codependent with him. That's the day everything changed, I could feel it in my heart, and now I'm ready to take responsibility for myself and my actions. Thank you for being here as a resource for my healing.
Nancy Stover
I was raised by a narcissistic grandmother who saw me as her possession. I was not allowed to socialize with anyone except at church or school so I never had any close friends. I was taught to never tell anyone my trouble, but serve others. At age 19, I married a boy I had dated in high school. He was very controlling. I could not go anywhere unless he went with me. He constantly told me I was nothing without him and I could not make it on my own because I needed him. He said we had no friends because nobody liked me. I had no job skills to speak of so I stayed because I could not provide for my 2 girls. This was back in the day when child support was voluntary (on the man's part). After the girls left home he divorced me for another woman. I was devistated. He fought the property settlement for 5 years until both our girls finally told him to get it over with. While this was going on I met a man who told me that he had been watching me for 6 months and I was the kind of woman he wanted for a wife. He seemed perfect because he liked everything I liked, he wanted everything I wanted. Our relationship moved very quickly and the day after the divorce was final we were married. Occasionally his cold, hard attitude surfaced but I excused it. His credit was ruined so fo course he used mine and I undertook to pay off his bills and support us while his money was to spend as he wished. I found out that he was a porn addict and was seeing other women. He told me he wanted to quit but he needed help. He got help, but lied his way through it. I developed heart problems and needed surgery. After my open heart surgery, I discovered that he had found paid porn and had run up $24,000 in credit card bills and he only made $25,000 annual salary. That was the end for me, but of course, he promised Yada, yada, etc. He went to a recovery group at church, but instead of attending the meetings, he used that time to date various women. I caught on early on, but kept feeding him more rope till he hung himself so to speak. I filed for divorce which was final Aug 31. We both still live in the house because I can't afford to move and he won't leave. We only share the house not anything else, but it is extremely difficult because he is acting like nothing has changed. I am stuck here until I can qualify for welfare because at 80 and with poor health, I can't get a job.
karina tarpinian
I am at a loss here... I see comments left 3 months ago and no reply? @Kim Saeed ?
I wish to go completely no contact because i want to heal !
Anita Moore
One day I said, the only other person I know who treats and reacts at me the way you do is my Mother? Even then I didn't click πŸ’‘ so the Narcissistic abuse continued as I continued to try reason with him...convince myself my compassion and love would see us through. At 18 a Pyschiatrist told me it was imperative I get out from under my Mothers control, I was so in it, with Stockholm syndrome clearly I felt insulted by him. Co-dependent, addicted to the high and low. BIG mistake. I stayed. So two πŸ’‘πŸ’‘ came on for me...'that' behaviour, abuse, control, dominance, gas lighting had a name they each led me to the other...I felt stricken and scared. I was diagnosed with C PTSD in the year I met him, which was whilst I was in complicated grief after the sudden and trauma death of my Childrens Dad, we were in recovery...I migh as well have had a neon sign flashing out of my forehead, Come get me! 😞 after 4years to the date I realised recently, after several attempts. I stood my ground. Done! for 9weeks I was pretty solid, for another 2...but the past 7/8weeks? not so. So I am here to help along my recovery. Hi everyone 😊
Glenda Wallace Ainsworth
I finally have other options in my life both professionally and personally so I have no choice but to move forward after 10 years of an adulterous and emotionally abusive marriage. I am scared, of course, and devastated at the thought of losing contact with my stepsons whom I adore.
Amanda Scott
I've been in a relationship with a classic narcissist who is also semi domestically abusive. I'm 23 now but I started a relationship with him at 20 and over the course of our relationship things continued to go down hill. When we started he was employed with a great job and I was in school. He would always pick about my choice to be in school. Eventually he convinced me instead of wasting money in school, get a full time job and move in together, since my goal was to become independent. Fast forward he lost his job shortly after and I was paying for almost everything. We moved in with my mom who kicked (him) us out but I stayed with him for feeling bad. He would turn abusive when I discovered he was continuously unfaithful and would scare me into staying. Finally after a large altercation where he threaten me with his gun, I packed my bags and left the city in fear, but I had no plan, no money, no job, no education, no car.. nothing. I returned to the city, got my job back, and continued to keep my distance but did not stop talking to him... I still loved him. He never got a job after almost a year, started taking a lot of drugs that he blames me for and scares me into paying for all the things I cosigned on with my credit: rent, bike loan, ect. I helped him recently to avoid an eviction on my credit with rent and I told him it was the last time and he beat me up in a dark parking lot. I had to go to work with bruises on my face and body. I never called the police or did anything that would hurt him but I keep hurting myself by going back to his aid. He always puts me down, belittles anything I do, nothing I do is good enough and he is the ultimate most intelligent person. After him beating me up for the last time, he called to say he decided to just give up on everything and let my credit be ruined because I'm women enough to aid him in landing a job. He blames me for all his failures and I take it. I'm here because I have a shattered ego and a low esteem for who I am and I struggle to figure out who I am without him.

-Also my dad is a Narcissist and my mom stayed with him for 14 yrs, she acted like what he did was normal and I wasn't allow to talk about it to family or friends. When my mom finally left they both pushed me away, I felt abandoned. Now that I'm older, this relationship felt so right for me, but I see the resemblance. Its hard for me now to even push past all the confusion of the right type of person, or how they exist.
Patricia G Gonzalez
A year ago, I was devastated crying an the lady painting my hair told me: "honey you married a narcissistic abuser". I had never heard that term before. After 14 years of marriage I was able to finally divorced him. I had tried 4 times but he was a very powerful politician in Mexico and I couldn't do it. We came to the states in 2010 and he finally gave me the divorce but took away my visa. I found a way to stay legaly for my kids because they have a better future here. After 4 years of holding on to get different visas to be able to stay in the US, I had an emergency surgery that solved the inmate problem but brought long term health problems and he took advantage of that and forced me to marry him again. I was so sick and exhausted I couldn't get another visa. It was the only way to keep my kids in the USA, he knows it would emotionally destroy them to go back. I was able to kick him out of the house but now he is putting my kids in harms way to get to me. I won't allow him to destroy our kids. I realized he still plays me like a puppet and that unless I heal myself I won't be able to protect my kids and help them heal.
nicole maranto
I have been married 12 years and separated from him in Jan 2015. I continued to see him thinking we could "work on our marriage" but i soon began to discover by reading and researching that what i was dealing with was a narcissist and everything i began to read i felt it was like it knew what i was going through. From the beginning he never trusted me but that turned into recording me in my own house in my car checking emails phone you name it he was always thinking i was cheating on him but i never did. What finally did it for me was the fabrications of made up lies he would come up with by recording me in my own house and then the last straw was accusing me of sleeping with his brother. That was my final straw with him and i just could not take it anymore, I am thankful i found this resource and just want to live without constant anxiety and fear. Thank you.
Brianna Closs
Hitting complete rock bottom. Numerous health issues. My ex narc is into drugs and he drugged me couldn't see why I would be afraid of him that was the last straw then I implemented No Contact when he asked for one of his shirts back I had that was packed. I am back living with my parents unable to work and cannot go alone in public or really anywhere except the bank or a drive to the coffee shop drive thru to get out.
tracy matthews
I am ruined 16 years I've been abused now I'm facing felony charges and I am being evicted from my apartment I have no strength to fight I so desperately need help
Angel Wiley
I've come to the end, I've hit bottom. There's nowhere to go but up from here. My last straw was when he stole my electric wheelchair from my patio one early morning before I woke up & traded it for a motorcycle. This was a form of punishment for my trying no contact on my own without any tool's. I'm so looking forward to learning the tools I need to make this successful.... finally the help of been looking for.
Scotia Ogle
I think I've finally hit bottom. My Narc is also an alcoholic, and were it not for this toxic relationship I would still have my sobriety and my sanity.
Debra Rogell
I noticed that every time I had contact with him in person or by email or text, I would experience a period of turmoil & depression that lasted at least 48 hours. I had to work at recovering a non trauma state.
Kim Saeed
I'm glad to know you're working to recover yourself, Debra. It sometimes feels very difficult, but it does pay off if you stick with it...I promise.

Kim
XoXo
deleted
My inspiration-a single quote I saw on Facebook. You can't keep dancing with the devil and wonder why your still in pain.
Kim Saeed
No truer words have never been spoken!

Kim
Nichole Bush
My boyfriend completed hijacked my 40th bday party and proposed to me in front of 100 of my friends and family. Less than 3 days later he was texting his ex wife (who he has seen the whole time we have dated ) and asked to sleep with her. I'm devastated and humiliated. And completely in love with what I thought we would have together. I truly thought he was my fairy tale. I have a 7 year old daughter who has been witness to all of this craziness. I'm desperate for help!
Kim Saeed
I'm sorry you went through that, Nicole. I can relate to your situation more than you may know.

Part of healing is letting go of the fairy tale. It's hard...extremely hard, but necessary. I hope you find help inside the course.

Kim
XoXo